babysitting

     I met Robby out one night in college and thought I'd won the lottery;  he was a 6'4, ripped, gorgeous swimmer with blue eyes, a 4.0 GPA, and a BRITISH ACCENT.  We had a month-or-so long fling that started out as passionate sex, cuddling all night, and going to breakfast.  He was older and graduating in a few months, so it was clear that the relationship was going nowhere.  But he was wonderful company.  For awhile.  Until our sex-sessions turned into babysitting jobs...
      I would meet up with him downtown, or he would call me after going out with his friends, and we would go home together.  He would stumble all over the place, blabber about how much he loves hotdogs, how much he hates slices of cheese (??), about how great his ex-girlfriend in London is, and then proceed to tell me how great and tall our kids would be... Then he would sprawl his gigantic body out on my bed, snore so loudly that my roommates couldn't sleep, and wake up in the morning not remembering a damn thing.  The mornings were always great, so I let it go on for awhile.  He would be charismatic, we would laugh about the shit he'd said the night before, and have good morning sex.  But this was clearly heading in a sloppy direction.
     Normally we would skip sex at night because he was too drunk, but every once in a while he would manage to get his shit-together and put on a less-than-impressive performance.  Until one of our last nights together.  He was unattractively drunk; I literally had to wipe his nose for him and tell him he had food in his teeth.  He begged like a little boy to have sex.  You try denying a guy lying naked in your bed with a British accent saying, "Can we please have sex?"  I stupidly gave in and ended up REALLY regretting it.  About 10 thrusts in, Robby stopped, laying down on my chest.  I thought he was just taking a break until an ear-shattering snore filled the room.  I tried everything to wake him up; I yelled at him, pinched him, and tried as hard as physically possible to move him with absolutely no luck.
      So that is how I spent the most sleepless night of my life; with a gorgeous man not only passed out on top of me, but passed out INSIDE OF ME. Robby is 210lbs of lanky muscle.  I spent 4 hours partly suffocated with him drooling on my chest, snoring in my ear, and his penis shriveled up inside of me.  Finally, he drunkenly responded to my shoves and rolled off of me.  I had imprints in my skin from his hip bones and a nice pool of drool in the indent of my clavicle.
     Naturally, he remembered nothing the next morning and was pretty embarrassed when I told him what happened.  With graduation only a few weeks away, we slowly stopped calling each other and ended things pretty effortlessly.  Yes, I will miss waking up to his gorgeous face and sexy accent, but I would choose sleeping alone over sleeping with a drunk, sloppy baby any day.
     Let us all say a little prayer for Robby: that he may one day learn to handle his liquor.