i like feet

I have been wanting to write this post for ages, but there is just no way to do it justice via writing. Regardless, its a good story to tell. And I promise, I didn't make this up; my sex life is just this fucked up.

I met Andrew while visiting my friend, Annie, at her college campus.  Tall, dark, and handsome with a huge nose that I, unfortunately, chose to overlook.  He seemed perfectly normal.   Annie had paired off with his friend, and it became inevitable that him and I were going to hook up.  We all went back to his place where I immediately headed straight for his bedroom, pretending to charge my phone.  Drunk me is pretty much a horny (not even remotely sneaky) teenager.  Andrew picked up on my oh-so-subtle hint and followed me into the bedroom.

Aside from the fact that he had a painfully monstrous penis, everything was fairly normal.  Although side-note; unless I haven't eaten in like 5 days and magically have washboard abs, please don't put my damn legs above your shoulders and proceed to LOOK at my rolls.  Like I don't know who the fuck looks good in that position but it's not me.

Anyway, he was a nice enough guy and knew what he was doing.  So the next weekend when I came up to visit Annie, I contacted him, assuming it would be the same.  Well, a few minutes in, Andrew asks me, "So, what are you into?"  Uhm, guys? Shopping?  Maybe some intramural soccer on the weekends? What the fuck?
I replied with, "Uhm, this is fine..."
After which he follows up with, I kid you not, "Well, I like feet."  Unfortunately, I am really good at covering up laughter with coughing or this story could have (and should have) ended right there.  Instead, I told him I was up for whatever.  Which is a lie.  STUPID DRUNK KATIE.  It all went downhill from there.

Andrew started by sucking on my toes and moaning.  I will pause here to tell you that my feet are not cute.  At all.  As a kid, my sister called my toes "sausage toes."  I hadn't had a pedicure in over a month and I had all kinds of rough calluses from sports.  But APPARENTLY this was not an issue for Andrew who at this point was caressing his face with them.  And then (ready for this?) he put my feet together and proceeded to fuck the arches of my feet.  So here I am, laying on my back just chilling in this stranger's bed getting my FEET FUCKED.  I had had enough.  So instead of slowing transitioning out of the arch-fuck position, I just blurted out, "I'm uncomfortable," grabbed my clothes, pulled Annie off some random guy on the couch, and got the fuck out of there.

Good riddance Andrew.  And God help all the future girls he brings home from the bars.