let the shambles begin

          I am starting this blog after a lot of pressure/encouragement from a couple of my closest friends who have cringed and laughed at my expense multiple times.  Obviously, I have chosen to keep this anonymous because I would really like to get a job one day.  Preferably not one listed under the "personals" section on Craigslist.  And my poor tiny mother would keel over if she even knew I was engaging in pre-marital sex. 

 If for some reason you're reading this and think it's obvious who is writing it, PLEASE contact me and let me know.  I'd rather my younger siblings not know about these things. Especially not about that one time in our backyard....

I have also changed everyone's names, including my own.  So I will now call myself Katie because it is the world's most generic, boring name.  And it's my go-to name that I use to introduce myself to men with horrible teeth. Or those below 6'0.  Or those wearing fedoras.  I will, however, tell you a few things about myself that I believe are important to know before we get to my shamble-y stories.

1.  Despite what it  may seem, my "number" is not something outrageous; I just happen to attract the biggest fucking weirdos.  You're probably thinking "She must sleep around a lot to find all these outrageous guys," but unfortunately, that is not the case.  Like my weirdos to guys I've slept with ratio is practically 1:1.  Sometimes I look at my track-record and think that life has got to be fucking with me.

2.  I am not even close to being absolutely gorgeous.  I have (significantly) smaller than average boobs. And my butt and thighs refuse to fit into anything labeled "small" or "medium."  I have to use an inhaler the three times a year I actually do go to the gym.  And one time I ate two chipotle burritos in one day.  I still have to wear a retainer at night.  I also have that charming flap of skin/fat underneath my arms that makes it impossible to look thin while waving at someone. I'm telling you these things because I HATE really pretty sluts.  And I know you do too.  And I want to be relatable to readers. 

3. And lastly, I must tell you that at least 99% of these encounters involved alcohol.  Don't get me wrong, I am totally owning up to these shameful acts, but I'd like you to know that the likelihood of them occurring had I been sober is NONE.  

Enjoy :)