I have been on good behavior the past few months. I decided to finally end my lady-like streak last night with Austin, whom I'd made out with a couple of times at a nearby bar. He had friended me on Facebook and was very charismatic and good looking. However, I stalked his pictures enough to realize that he'd played the tuba in college. The tuba. Like Katie, that alone should have been the red light. But last night, I was hammered and horny and decided to finally let him into my pants.
I'm not going to beat around the bush here. Austin had the SMALLEST DICK I HAVE EVER SEEN. Made that Bryan guy in the last post look like the Hulk. He is a huge guy; probably 6'5, 250lbs with a penis the size of a salt-shaker. Like his balls hung down significantly lower than his dick. I had stupidly already gotten completely naked before even taking his shirt off, so it wasn't like I could just say, "oh, nevermind," once he underdressed. I tried to get into it because he really is a great guy. But I legitimately could not tell whether or not it was in. Normally, the morning after sex, I wake up and can just feel that I've had sex. Nope, not with this guy. And the best/weirdest part was that he acted like a complete sex god. He said things like, "I can make you feel so good," and "Oh, you like that?" What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? In my head I was thinking, "Well, I can't actually feel you. Could you please cum already?"
Like what is his game-plan for life? He is a gigantic (ex-tuba playing) man with a teeny weeny. And to make matters work, he couldn't stay hard. I know that happens with some guys when they drink, but he claimed to be completely sober. He didn't even apologize. It was just like "Hey. This is me, limp-dick and all. Accept me as I am." I appreciate his confidence and refusal to let a small dick prevent him from having a sex-life, but I cannot imagine how any woman will be able to be pleasured by him. The idea of marrying someone with a dick that size sounds like a death sentence.
Finally he got hard enough to finish the job (on his end, obviously. I did not come remotely close to orgasming). But not before putting me through one of my favorite awkward sexual encounters: at one point I was laying on my stomach and he was standing over me at the edge of the bed. He made it very clear he was an ass guy at the beginning and preferred it from the back. So I'm laying there and he says to me, "Yeah, shake that ass." Uhm...what? Was I supposed to percolate right there on the bed? Stand up and put on a twerking performance? I have never been so confused by a question in my life. I think I just kind of laughed and stuck my ass out further, making it perfectly clear that there would be no ass shaking of any kind in my bedroom.
Poor Austin. Again, I was faced with a tiny dick and made it out alive. But I have decided that my clothes are staying on from here on out until I see the guys dick first. I am not going to put another sympathy notch on my belt just because the guy's dick never got the puberty memo. I pray for Austin that he finds a tiny Asian woman to marry and appreciate his lack-of-dick.
